One of the hardest jobs we face is learning to appreciate the mothers we are. Like thieving quilters we steal bits of other mothers, from dreams, books and playground conversations, and stitch them together into an ideal mother. We hold it up to the light and admire its colours and patterns and despair that we will ever match its splendor.
We see Susan’s patience, Beth’s outdoorsy nature, and Caroline Ingall’s virtues. We envy Jan her homemaking skills, and Hannah her playful spirit. We steal these facets, but never the whole. Do we see that Susan’s patience is countered by permissiveness, or know that Beth worries that she’ll never teach her children math? No, because that realism is counter to the crazy quilt we seem driven to construct.
I have despaired. I have known deep in my heart that I will never be the playful, wise, patient, and virtuous mother of my dreams. One day I realized that if I were all of these women, or even one of these women, I wouldn’t be myself. I wouldn’t have my strengths and my quirks, and it wouldn’t be stories about me that my children tell when they are grown.
Am I a playful mother? No, but I’m a great storytime mother. And I a fabulous housewife? No, but I don’t worry when the kids make a crafty mess. I am me. I am beautiful and strange, riddled with weaknesses and buoyed by strengths.
It’s time to love the mother you are. Throw away the crazy quilt. Make instead a patchwork of *your* days. It will have tears, and missing threads, and little sticky jam fingerprints. It will have the colour and pattern of your life woven into its design. It will be wonderful and unique, just as you are a wonderful and unique mother.
A beautiful essay. We each have our own unique style. Our children will remember watercolor painting at the breakfast table not the stack of laundry in front of the washer.
I sent this to all the moms I know. for their valentine’s email from me. it is so true so wonderful, so colorful and so quirky. LOVE it.
Love this! A wonderful bit of wisdom!
Yes. I’ve just gotten in touch with this myself. I am making a conscious effort to not worry so much about the mother I’m NOT. Because that just makes the mother I am that much grumpier.
Oh wow. I really needed that today! Thank you!!!
Do you mind if I link to this from my blog? I’ve been having lots of mothering self-doubt lately, and it would serve as a great reminder to me.
Go ahead, Kim. It’s a message that benefits from sharing.
This is beautiful! I’m trying really hard to learn self acceptance and this essay speaks to that.
take the first paragraph, rearrange the lines. it is poem.
What a wonderful sentiment.
I just stumbled upon your blog today and love it. I am especially thankful for your writing on loving the mothers we are. This is something I remind myself of often. Despite all my worries about being better at my mothering, I find an unexpected reward here and there, like when my 5-year-old daughter tells me that even if her friends aren’t at the school dance, she’ll stay anyway because she likes to be with me. So, I must be doing something right.
I’m looking forward to following your blog in the days to come.
You are inspiring. A real gift.
This made me cry, honestly. Wise wonderful words x
This is a beautiful posts. As a new mother, I will always remember this as I compare myself to other mothers. I am who God made me and I am special and just the mother and wife I am supposed to be.
This is so true and so freeing!! I always want to be the perfect mom and end up grumpier than if i wasn’t trying so hard!! We are happiest when we take life as it happens and make it work for us….our way!